Monday, January 13, 2014

Step One

My husband occasionally asks if we have too many toys and my answer is usually a resounding, "No."  However, on one of these recent days while I was all alone in the house, I saw a slight absurdity at my entrance-way:  it generally takes about five minutes to open my front door, should anyone come to it, because I have to rearrange the "stash."

A thought crossed my mind when I realized this and I decided to make a note: Children Play Here.  Was I going to write about it?  Buy a plaque?  Share somebody else's blog?  I don't know, but when I got to my desk, this is what I found:

Cool, right?  One blank sheet where I could make a note.  It's obvious that children play here.

Okay, well now for the real story...

I now have four g'babies:  two pre-school girls and two infant boys.  When these guys first started coming at me those few years back, it was more than just a slight shock to the system.  Honey and I had barely experienced the empty-nester phase. The years previous to that (the time since we'd blended) had been tumultuous to say the least.  There was always good.  We were (almost) always (trying to be) grateful.  But raising our kids to adulthood was a feat and we were ready to rest.

Things don't always turn out the way we'd planned or hoped, huh?

During the past four to five years, my life has been pretty much centered around g'babes.  Honestly, it's not something I would have expected at any point in my life, really.  I've never really understood kids and certainly never thought I'd have a preference for their company.  What was the alternative, however?  This was the path that unfurled before me.

These past four to five years have been as tumultuous as any previous period but there's always good.  We're always grateful.

Even now, as things are once more not how I thought they'd be.  These days, I hardly see my g'babes.  True, that's "hardly" by my standards but it's still an accurate depiction.  True, it's partly due to the natural process of life but there are other factors that I can't tell about.  Those parts belong to other people and I must let them tell their own stories.  Also, there's some hurt and it's just hard to talk about.

When the new babies first started showing up, when our lives first started to shift, what did I lose that I'd anticipated so much before all my kids were gone?  The hours and hours of quiet time, perhaps?  The clear path to the doorway?  A notepad with more than just one clean sheet of paper?

I wouldn't trade those babies for any of it.  For anything.

Thinking back on my mothering years, for all the mommy dearest that I was at times, for all the coulda-shoulda-wouldas, I'm just grateful to have had them.

And the meemee years?  Thank you, God, for each day with a g'baby.

Maybe I haven't gotten the life I would have planned but I'm grateful for the life I've gotten!

Would I control it more if I could?  Would I develop and execute the most appealing plan?  Well, who wouldn't, really?!  The thing is, though, that life happens by a series of events over which I am powerless.  I totally admit it.  I also totally know that God, however, has the power to work it all out.

This post happens not to be about the addictions and compulsions that I seem always to be facing but the twelve steps are still relevant and restorative. One Step and then the next and then the next.  Sometimes we start over.

And my new mantra:
Everything will be okay in the end.
If it's not okay, it's not the end.

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