Wednesday, June 4, 2014

For The Zombie Mommas

I’ve pondered writing this for a long time but have a host of reasons for having not. I’m doing it now for this reason: I am not one to look back with regret; rather, I look forward and wonder what I’m going to regret.

That said,

I care little for the zombie culture.  For me, it’s just one more manifestation of a desensitized society.  (But you go ahead!)

I’ve had this really weird theory about the coming zombie apocalypse and how drug addiction will be its genesis.  Turns out, this is not one of my less plausible theories if you have a look at some of the latest drug trends.  Which I don’t actually recommend doing.

But I’m beating around the bush.

I’ve re-written this paragraph forty hundred times, trying to decide what to say, how to say it, whether I have a right to say it, whether it’s a good idea to say it. Finally, I’ve decided to say simply:  It seems I’m losing one of my girls to drugs.



That’s a sentence I’ve put off writing for a long, long time, thinking that I’m breaking some kind of hipa law, or at the very least, I’m disrespecting my girl by telling her business.

But.

She came through me.  I raised her (right or short-coming-like), and fought for her for all her years (realized or short-coming-like).

She is my girl, my daughter, my child.

And it seems that I am losing her.

It seems that we are all losing.

That’s all I wanted to say.

And needed to say.

Because I have no idea what else to say.
Or what to do.
And I know there are other zombie mommas out there, also not knowing.

So I’m raising this like a banner and a prayer for us all.

2 comments:

Sharon Embry said...

Through tears streaming down my face I wonder, “What can I say to make a difference, to help stop the hurt”? I feel your pain, I have lived it over and over for more years than I care to remember. It is your child, a part of your very being. You love them – no matter what!!! You would trade places with them in a heartbeat if you could. Their pain is your pain, you desperately seek a solution, beg and plead with them to get help, and cry out to God to save your child – and still they turn to Satan’s comfort to numb their reality. If love could heal, they would be whole, but unlike the fairy tales, our love is not enough. Our promises for a better future, our threats to turn our backs on them, the legal consequences of their actions, the continuous self-loathing when they do what they have to do to get their fix, and even the sight of another drug user overdosing in front of them is not enough to turn the tides. Over and over I hear “they have to hit rock bottom”, but for so many addicts, that is a low I cannot fathom. Time and again, I just knew the latest event was the “rock bottom”, only to be flung into a series of unfortunate, exhausting circumstances beyond my control. What could I do? If I didn’t “save” her, she might die. I had to fix her because I couldn’t bear the thought of her possible demise. She had so much to live for, why couldn’t she see that? Fear was my constant companion until I truly gave her over to God, realizing I could not fix my beloved child. Even then, sadness gave such weight to my heart that I could barely focus on anything else at times.

At the alter, I boldly prayed over, and over, and over, “Jesus, heal and restore my daughter. I know you can and I need you to give me my girl back. Jesus, heal and restore my daughter.” And then one day he did. One day she could take it no more and she finally surrendered to God, accepting she could not turn her life around on her own. All the other times of treatment, counseling, detox, changes in environments, etc. were our doing, mom and dad making all the arrangements, making it easier for her. But when she reached out, made the calls herself and did what was necessary to get treatment, then things started turning around. Addiction is a disease, not a choice. It is one of Satan’s most powerful tools, and he uses it masterfully. The addict has to want recovery more than you want it for them. Even then, it is day by day, moment by moment of consciously staying sober, being with the right people, connecting regularly with the sober community, seeking counseling, building their relationship with God and Jesus Christ, staying in the word, finding purpose in daily living, and surrounding themselves with supportive family and friends in healthy environments. For an addict, living sober is a lot of work. For us parents, no matter how old they are, our children will always be our babies that we want to protect. Wherever they are in their journey, remember they need boundaries and love. My prayer for you is to have peace, knowing that no matter what happens, you have done all you can do and that the ball is in her court. You know where to find me any time you want to talk. With much love and respect for your heart-wrenching circumstances, Sharon

Amanda Parish said...

sharon, i want to thank you so many ways for your encouragement but the words are stuck in my throat.