Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Going The Distance

This'll only take a minute, and it won't be too awful bad, I think, but it needs doing because, you know, I have to do what I do.

...

I keep setting my glass down ~ so hard the water spills over ~ and blurting through tears at my husband, "but why?!"

Why was there so much distance between us?

We keep having this same conversation.
I keep reaching the same conclusions.
I keep finding my peace til the heartache rises up again.

Supposedly, time will slow this cycle.
I actually know that it will. ...

I've lost my sister now.  My little sister.  My only sister.

How did this happen?  I turned around for just a second...

But that's not the truth.  For many of these last years, there was a battle ~ I can't really say that we were opponents, but it was ~ between us.  Neither of us would be the victor in this lifetime, but that's for another time.

The point is that there was a distance between us, and since she's left me, I've sought the source and evidence of it.  In all my searching, however, I keep coming to peace.

It's a cycle.

Some days I feel weirdly okay, am a little freaked out even, by my ability to smile.

Other days.
It's as if my cord has unraveled.
Strands are missing.
I won't be complete again in this lifetime.
Selah.

...

I've always believed my momma and Jenny's friends knew her best.  But I've realized in these last days that I actually knew her better than I ever realized.  And so, in all likelihood, it was a mutual familiarity.  I actually know that it was. ...

I haven't written much lately for a number of reasons, but when I first attempted this, I looked over recent posts.  Nearly one year ago, I wrote this piece.  Finding it in recent days is how I finally know why I do this.  I don't even feel the need to explain.

My sister had a gift for photography.  And I mean a gift like ... I can't even.

She took the pictures.  I wrote the words.

I will keep doing what I do.

Though I am not satisfied with this piece.
Because there are not enough words.
There will never be enough words.
But my sister knows.
There is peace.
Selah.

















2 comments:

Angela Montondo said...

Amanda, this was beautifully written. And so real. That's one of the many things that you and your beautiful sister had in common. That courage to show the places that some people spend a life time holding in and hiding away..so that people can't get close enough to hurt. I know that you know this..but please let me say it again.. man that girl did love her sister. And I love you too. Thankful for all of the gifts that you and Jenny have brought into my life. A lifetime legacy of real love and priceless friendship.

Amanda Parish said...

oh, angie. thank you for always being there, helping my heart!! so grateful for you and all that you've been for my family.